When You Find Out Your Child Self Harms
Building Better Relationships with the Younger Generations
In the therapy room, I've sat across many parents who are struggling with the discovery that their child has been self-harming. Learning that your child engages in self-harm can be a bewildering experience for parents, leaving you feeling overwhelmed, unsure of how to proceed, and burdened with guilt for not recognizing your child's pain sooner.
Self-injury is a difficult and complex topic to address and this article will not cover every aspect of it. The insights shared in this article stem from my own professional interactions with children and their families facing this issue.
Today, the aim of this article is threefold:
To address a difficult topic that is likely not often discussed within the church community
To provide support and awareness for parents in understanding the possible reasons behind their child's self-harm
To offer guidance on what steps to take next.
Towards the end of this article, I'll also provide additional external resources for families who may be dealing with this issue.
Overview
Self harm can appear in many different ways. However, common ways include cutting with a razor, knife, glass or other sharp tool, burning using a lighter or match or scraping using an eraser or other tool that can cause blisters. It can also look like inserting a sharp object under the skin (paper clips, knife edge, etc), punching oneself, biting oneself, or banging head against something. Cutting or burning will usually be evidenced on the wrists, thighs, ankles. As it progresses, it can be found in more obscure places in an attempt to keep scars or fresh wounds from being discovered.
Typically a person begins to self harm as either a way to ground themselves when emotions are too big and they feel uncontrollable, or as a way to overcome feeling numb and to actually feel something. For some people, it is not one way or the other, rather a combination of both.
While the initial feeling a person gets from self harm seems to be relief from anxiety or other overwhelming feelings, shortly after an episode of self harm the person begins to feel ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty. Then, the cycle repeats itself. Frequency and duration, along with intensity of self harm incidences are things to keep in mind when assessing severity.
3 Self Harm Myths
Addressing self-harm will cause stress and make a child want to do it more
Addressing self-harm in a supportive and understanding manner is essential for a child's well-being. Ignoring the behavior or avoiding discussions about it may reinforce feelings of isolation and increase the likelihood of continued self-harm. Open communication and seeking professional help can provide the child with healthier coping mechanisms and support systems to address their underlying issues.
In almost every one of the situations of self-harm I’ve experienced, the child expresses relief that their parents finally know and are providing support to them. When parents or other supports in a child’s life have lovingly and carefully supported the child after finding out, self-harm incidences either temporarily decrease or are extinguished for a time. That does not mean the child does not need further help and support, but it does mean that having a supportive parent through the process can often feel like a relief to the child which will have a positive impact on the child’s ability to make progress.
Self harm is an unhealthy response to difficult and overwhelming emotions that the person does not know how to process in a healthier way. Be the model of support and emotional balance for the person who self-harms so that they can properly find ways to express and cope with their emotions in healthier ways. The key is to be supportive and listen. Seek out professional guidance to show your child that you are taking the situation seriously and that you are listening to them.
Self-harm means a child is suicidal
While self-harm can be a sign of significant emotional distress, many times it does not always indicate suicidal intent. Many individuals who engage in self-harm do so as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions or to gain a sense of control over their lives. However, it's crucial to seek out professional assistance to help assess the severity of the self-harm and any underlying mental health concerns, as well as to provide appropriate support and intervention to ensure the child's safety. Mental health professionals that work with children and families can help the family assess the severity of the self harm as well as collaborate with the parent and child to create effective and healthy communication skills for the purpose of moving forward towards healing. It is most important that the parent and the child both have support throughout the process of healing.
If a child is self-harming, you must be doing something wrong as a parent.
Self-harm is a complex behaviour influenced by various factors including genetic makeup, environmental stressors, as well as underlying emotional and mental health issues. Blaming yourself as a parent can exacerbate feelings of guilt in you and in your child, and it can hinder efforts to support the child effectively. Instead, it's important for parents to approach the situation with compassion, be openminded to explore new ways to effectively communicate, seek professional guidance, and work collaboratively with their child to address the underlying issues contributing to the self-harm.
Resources to Consider
The Mayo Clinic-Self-Injury/cutting